Garrett Matthew Photography
In April, I won first place in my division at the Atlantic Pole Championship. The video recorded by the owner of my pole studio was viewed on Facebook over 1,800 times in less than a week. The praise I’ve received from my peers and professionals in the pole industry as well as those outside of the pole community has been and continues to be unbelievable.
I know this sounds like I’m bragging. Believe me. I’m not.
Before that weekend, I had never seen a video of my routine in its entirety because I never recorded one. I never recorded one because I knew I’d never watch it. Watching videos of myself performing or practicing has never been my favorite thing. Ironically, I’m never quite prepared for the all-too-familiar emotional spiral that comes from watching myself on tape.
I was an hour into our 2.5 hour drive back to Philly when I finally decided to watch this video that had already been shared numerous times on Facebook. With the gold medal still around my neck, I couldn’t help but focus on every part of my routine that wasn’t quite right. A bent knee here. A flexed foot there. A slight stumble. A missed musical cue. The place my hair got stuck under my hand. All these things that did not make me worthy of anyone’s first place. My heart sank with the feeling that I had somehow gotten away with something I didn’t deserve. Once again, I felt like a disappointment.
I have always struggled with capricious confidence. I have an extraordinarily difficult time believing I’m good at something and sustaining that self-assurance. Pole has not only given me undeniable, tangible proof my own talents but has also shown me the depth of my psychological damage. How is it that I can look at these medals I’ve received and still believe that I suck? My brain has never made any logical sense.
In my years of poling and teaching pole, the greatest nemesis I’ve encountered is my confidence, rather the lack thereof. I tend not to do moves full out because I don’t believe I can execute them properly. Even when I do a trick right, my first instinct assumes it’s wrong. As a result, moves look sloppy and combos are basic as I try to always have a safety net for myself. My friend and pole professional Katherine Petronaci once told me that bent knees are a dead giveaway of a lack of confidence. (She had only known me for less than a week at this point and already had me figured out.) Insecurity is the unfortunate reason why those microbends tend to show up every time I perform. I’ve danced for years. I know how to straighten my legs.
I have noticed a clear correlation between my pole productivity and whatever my confidence level may be that particular day. Those rare days I’m feeling like Beyoncé, my legs are a little straighter, flips are a little quicker, holds are more secure. More importantly, new moves catch on a little faster.
I’ve also noticed that I tend to feel more confident (thus perform a little better) when I’m around people who I know believe in me unconditionally. Please understand that having confidence for someone else does make a difference. My pole students are some of my biggest supporters and their belief in my ability has pulled me out of some of my darkest moments. There have been many days when they simply assume I can do something,I try it reluctantly and, lo and behold, they were right. My students knowing my strength better than I do has forced me to look in the mirror (literally) and recognize it too. (Remember how I cried after doing that Dirdy Birdy drop twice in a row? That was one of those days!) When I get out of my own head, I tend to get the results I’m seeking.
The beautiful thing about pole is that as you progress, the more the pole demands you believe in yourself and trust in your own strength. Combos and tricks only get more intricate with less escape routes. The fonji? That’s one of those moves that requires a commitment which is the real reason I’ve avoided trying it. (Sorry Sean). The reality is: in order to reach higher levels in pole, you have no choice but to rely on your own ability and believe you are more than capable. Without that belief, you are sure to plateau. Of all the reasons for me to plateau in pole, I don’t want this to be the one.
With all the physical training we do to our bodies, it is important to tackle the mental hurdles as well. We need to train our minds to see what is really before our eyes rather than filtering it through our insecurities or comparisons to others. For me, that means getting over the fear of watching my pole videos and seeing not only what I can improve on but all the things I do well! There may have been a sickled foot on competition day, but there were also an Iron X and a Titanic, two moves I never thought I’d be able to do. As performers, we should be able to critique ourselves but we should give credit where credit is due. The ability to balance both will provide the self-motivation needed to push through the plateau and take your performance to the next level.